deep breath

lots on my mind today. this might be a little lengthy.

i'm currently watching a documentary called manufactured landscapes. it focuses on photographer edward burtynsky's photographic work on the industrial landscape. i don't know much about it but i love photography and i love documentaries so, win.

lately i've had a lot of anxiety. i know it's because i have not found a suitable way to deal with it, but i also think i allow myself to become frustrated and stressed easily because of a situation with a certain someone. this person makes me very happy but the situation makes me very uncertain. i feel like there is a lot playing against me and not enough reassurance that my patience and effort is worthwhile. it's all so undefined, which is okay, but leaves me questioning exactly what role i play and what is ok to feel, think, do. then there is the other line of thinking that if it is so confusing and complicated, maybe it isn't worth it... it isn't meant to work and maybe won't. i hope this isn't the case but it's a legitimate concern considering the circumstances.

today i was just feeling down about some stuff so i had one of the massage therapists at work, suellen, to do some energy work on me. she's amazing and i am actually feeling a little more at ease. i am excited to start studying energy myself. i'm going to take a reike class with my boss in a couple weeks. i feel really compelled to practice it so hopefully that means i can utilize and help people/myself.

springbreak is right around the corner. i have one more class and then the next week off. originally my surgery was supposed to be today but got postponed until i can figure out my financial situation (this is a whole entire headache in itself...). it could be a few months before i am able to have surgery. i'm especially frustrated by this because it potentially means 6-9 more months before i am able to be fully active. it also may put a damper on my summer and playing outside. ugh. on a more positive note, though, i'm ok right now and i'm headed to arkansas this weekend. the weather is supposed to be sunny and almost 60 so i'm a happy girl.

that's really all for now i suppose. i'm off work tomorrow so i'm using the day to get some stuff done. it's my get-shit-done day. perhaps i'll get ambitious and post up a little ditty with new music/art/fun stuffs. maybe.

rough day

the first half of today majorly sucked but it got a little better as the day went on. i'm still pretty uneasy/uncertain about some stuff, but time will tell. i had a wonderful weekend, though, so that counts for something.. i just wish i hadn't ruined it all by allowing myself to get worked up about stupid stuff.

all i want to do is go for a run to center myself. i really have to find something to use as an outlet while i'm recovering from my surgery. i'm just so stressed about everything and its really got me down. i don't feel like myself at all right now.

maybe things will be better tomorrow.

acl

i tore my ACL playing ultimate 2 weeks ago, and i've really been bummed about not being able to run/work out. my knee feels ok...in fact, i've been walking closer to normal everyday. i'm just suffering from a major endorphin shortage which is in turn affecting my mood. that, in combination with the lack of sunshine we've been having, makes for a lethargic, frustrated jess. i've been up and down and i haven't been taking very good care of myself. when i exercise it helps with stress, anxiety, energy, mood, sleep, and my nutrition. i'm not trying to get sympathy for my injury (in fact, i'm a little tired of people asking how my knee is). i'm just expressing a little frustration...

but as usual, i am always looking for a way around the situation; a solution to the problem if you will. i believe i may have come up with a way to get some cardio in without the impact on my knee....

HULA HOOPING!

i tell you what- i used to do the imaginary hula hoop on wii fit, and its a workout. i'm gonna go buy one today. hopefully this will get me some sort of endorphin fix while i'm waiting out the coming surgery and physical therapy!

stuff.

been in the blogging mood lately. i'm going to start using this thing as more of an archive of stuff (art, writings, music etc.) i come across and enjoy.

i've just discovered (and become obsessed with) spoken word poetry. some my personal favorites:

andrea gibson "photograph"

rives "gorgeous"

sarah kays "hands"

shihan "in response"

listen to some of those. they are really quite wonderful.
i actually wrote and recorded a poem last night. this is something you will probably not find on here for a while, if ever, but maybe someday i'll get brave and perform it.

also, thanks to my good friend, jonny, some magical photographers:

joachim knill


these are surreal installations photographed with 20x30 polaroid film. i love the use of light, super saturated colors, and unusual arrangement of natural items to create such bizarre scenarios. if i were technically able, i'd love to do something along these lines for my senior show.

nick brandt


just look at them. you'll understand. simply amazing.


this is how i've been spending my time lately.... listening to poetry, looking at photography, and the occasional facebook stalking. i've been extremely lazy because of my knee, although i am trying to be as active as it will allow me to.

i picked up a couple books today to inspire and provoke some ideas for my printmaking work. i'm going to do some mixed media/collage type photogravures (photo-etchings). i have the image of a little boy in my head for the photographic part of the work so i'm reading some stories that include a young boy as one of the main characters. i'll do some hand etching and digital collaging in addition to the photograph. hopefully "lord of the flies" by william golding and/or "something wicked this way come" by ray bradbury will inspire some interesting pieces.

i suppose that is all for now.

.jess

what i'm up to..

it's always few and far between posts for me, but hopefully with summer that will change. 

i am enjoying a few days off work that were supposed to be used to pull off a garage sale but, um, well...that isn't going to happen. we just have way too much on our plates right now and that got put on the back burner. don't worry-it WILL happen, just not this weekend. 

instead, we are trying to get a handle on this mess of a house. i say we, as in, me and dan. cayla is in the process of moving out (sad face), and dan and carly are moving in. the house is out of control, but we ARE making progress. dan and i got the garage cleaned out yesterday, and i've never seen it sparkle so much before! we have to move the furniture out there and we will soon have the 'man'sion/party room well on it's way!

here are my goals today: clean room/bathroom, do all laundry, jog a couple miles, bake cookies, and when dan gets off-unpack and clean/reorganize kitchen, move furniture into garage, reorganize and clean living room. ambitious, huh? yeah... i'll let you know how that goes...

in addition to all of that, i need to: bathe my dogs, mow, put chemicals (ew) in my pool, repot the garden plants we bought today, repot some other plants, and clean my car inside and out, just to name a few things. siiiigh...isn't summer supposed to be relaxing? 

i bought a fresh sweet basil plant today, and i can't wait to make mozzarella, tomato, and basil. yummmy. we also got a grape tomato, roma tomato, and orange and green pepper plant in addition to the cucumbers, chives, and cilantro we've already planted. i can't wait for them to grow so we can eat them! i think dan and i might go to farmers market tomorrow so hopefully they've got some good stuff, although it's still early in the season. 

i am loving the weather right now. we went to the nature center yesterday and walked a couple of miles. it was really nice to get out and enjoy the fresh air. i'm going to try to get out again tonite for a jog with rylee. 

last thought-i'm going to bake some cookies this evening. i want to make double chocolate mint cookies but i'm having trouble finding any vegan recipes for it. i think i could just take a regular vegan chocolate chip cookie recipe and add some cocoa and use some mint chocolates instead of chocolate chips, but maybe i'll keep looking. i'll post what i figure out! :)

all the loooove.

a;lkfjmc

it's such a lovely day out. i could be getting so much done. what am i doing...that's right, nothing.

just a few things-

3 1/2 weeks until finals. terrifying and wonderful at the same time.

this little pretty is what i want right now. buy it for me.

and my current artist obsession is james jean. check him out-pretty fantastic.

my new favorite show is u.s. of tara. watch it. i devoured 12 episodes in a couple of days, therefore, they need to make another season. now.

there's my random updates fer yah. boring. yeyyy.

i decided to skip class and start spring break early today. i went to my first class because i had critique, but we got out two hours early so i decided to just come home. my plan for the day is to take a nap (it's been months since i've been able to nap!), get a massage, go to the gym, relax some more, and grab a drink at mudlounge tonight. 

it feels great to not have to worry about school for a bit. things are progressing with both of my photo projects so i feel a lot better about that. bfa reviews got pushed back 2 weeks as well so i don't have to stress so much about having enough work to show. 

when i began this blog, i had much more on my mind but it has all escaped me now... i'll come back to it later when i remember what i wanted to say!